I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I AM VODKA MAN
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
