I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
