I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
