I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
