I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Randomize
