Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
