Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
