And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
