God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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