Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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