I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
