how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
