Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
