if you like me you must not know who I am
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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