Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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