Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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