peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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