The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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