I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
