i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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