i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
