Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
