We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
