imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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