Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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