im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
