Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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