I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
