why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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