I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
