At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
