Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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