so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
