Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
