I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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