if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
