either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
