She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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