somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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