I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
