I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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