Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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