just come out here and I will go home with you...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
