Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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