1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I could fuck to npr.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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