I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
