If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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