Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
