she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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