On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
