Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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