i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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