Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
