I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
