I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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