she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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