i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
