last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
