Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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